“You rotten little beasties!” Petal yelled, wielding her broom as a knight might swing a weapon. “Get out of my garden!” She hurried toward her garden patch, swinging the broom with vigor, but before she could get anywhere near them, the miniature ponies, each with a single horn and a pair of feathery wings, dashed into the air like a flock of multicolor magpies. “Oh, just look at the mess they’ve made!” she huffed, throwing the broom down in frustration and standing in the middle of her garden with hands on hips. The unicorns, who had settled in the nearby branches, scolded from afar. When they saw that she was not about to leave until they did, they flew away to find greener pastures, or even better, greener gardens. Petal watched them go, staying put until she was convinced they were gone, then picked up her broom and started back to the cabin. “Fat lot of good YOU are, Falco!” she bellowed at her pet, who lay nearby on the thatched roof of the house. “I should have got a dog instead!” Falco, looking much like a large lizard, lay sunning himself, wings outspread to catch the afternoon sun. The dragon merely blinked once, yawned lazily, turned his head and went back to sleep. “I give up,” Petal muttered, perturbed, “I really do.”
See comments here.
I vote this one. I love the idea of dragons and unicorns and greener gardens! In fact, I would have a unicorn if I had the r.oom in the backyard
What a fun feeling of fantasy here! I really like the line “The unicorns, who had settled in the nearby branches, scolded from afar.” Tiny unicorns. How sweet. Can I have one and a rooftop dragon? I vote for this one.
Tough to buy into this one being a single paragraph. With three different sections of dialog broken up by lots of actions. But I’ll give it a vote anyway.
Finally, fantasy comes to the mormon world! I vote here!
This is a wonderful paragraph. However there is a little repetition (mini ponies and unicorns) that water-down, rather than add to the fun of the writing. There are also a number of small descriptive details that, in fantasy, cry out for some hyphenated fun. If you edit this paragraph, remove the repetition, add in some fantasy scene-setting details, and throw in some fantasy-for-the-fun-of-it-hyphenated-descriptors. A rewrite like this may be just what you’re looking for:
“You rotten little beasties!” Petal wielded her broom like a knight swinging a broadsword. “Get out!” She headed into the garden with her broom drawn and chased the single-horned, feather-winged dwarf ponies into the sky. Petal threw down her broom between the half-eaten rows of pickle-mushroom and toad-root. Where was Falco? Her gaze slowly lifted from the garden, past the pointed portico, up beyond the towers and trellis of wrought-iron to the thatched roof where her pet guard dragon lay sunning his lizard skin wings in the afternoon rays. He yawned at the sun before nestling his pointed head into the thick grasses and fell asleep. Why didn’t she listen to the mortal pet salesman and get a dog? She pointed the broom at the good-for-nothing spineless-lard-of-a mythical-beast, conjured a go-to-bed-without-your-dinner incantation and cried, “Falco!”
Actually there is also too much repetition of the broom and a few other descriptions. No matter how much you may like it, edit out one of the broom referecnes (with her broom drawn) and the paragraph really sings. Something like:
“You rotten little beasties!” Petal wielded her broom like a knight swinging a broadsword. “Get out!” She headed into the garden and chased the single-horned, feather-winged dwarf ponies into the sky. Petal threw down her broom between the half-eaten rows of pickle-mushroom and toad-root. Where was Falco? Her gaze slowly lifted from the garden, past the pointed portico, up beyond the towers and trellis of wrought-iron to the thatched roof where her pet guard dragon lay sunning his lizard skin wings in the afternoon rays. He yawned at the sun before nestling his pointed head into the thick grasses and fell asleep. Why didn’t she listen to the mortal pet salesman and get a dog? She pointed the broom at the good-for-nothing spineless-lard-of-a mythical-beast, conjured a go-to-bed-without-your-dinner incantation and cried, “Falco!”
Actually there are still too many brooms in this paragraph. Repetition is a nasty beastie! No matter how much you may like the broom reference (with her broom drawn), get rid of it and the paragarph really sings along nicely. Something like:
“You rotten little beasties!” Petal wielded her broom like a knight swinging a broadsword. “Get out!” She headed into the garden and chased the single-horned, feather-winged dwarf ponies into the sky. Petal threw down her broom between the half-eaten rows of pickle-mushroom and toad-root. Where was Falco? Her gaze slowly lifted from the garden, past the pointed portico, up beyond the towers and trellis of wrought-iron to the thatched roof where her pet guard dragon lay sunning his lizard skin wings in the afternoon rays. He yawned at the sun before nestling his pointed head into the thick grasses and fell asleep. Why didn’t she listen to the mortal pet salesman and get a dog? She pointed the broom at the good-for-nothing spineless-lard-of-a mythical-beast, conjured a go-to-bed-without-your-dinner incantation and cried, “Falco!”