Opening Paragraph #10

At one o’clock in the morning, Nicole Madison sped toward Park City, squinted at the yellow lines dotting the middle of the road, and tried to stay to the right of them. They kept disappearing. Hmm. Okay. It was entirely possible that she was drunk. She widened her eyes and tried to concentrate on those lines. If she could just get home, she’d go to bed and stay there as long as possible. Before she started feeling sorry for herself. Again.

Critique: I liked this one. It made the first cut. The reason it didn’t make it to the finals is I felt just a little distant from Nicole and her situation. It didn’t pull me in, but allowed me to stay at arm’s length.

Would I ask for more? Depending on the strength of the rest of the submission, I’d probably ask for a partial.

2 thoughts on “Opening Paragraph #10”

  1. I want to know why she’s feeling sorry for herself…again. So I would definitely keep reading. I cast my vote for this one.

  2. Oooh, possible alcohol use by the main character in an LDS-themed story. I like it! (No, I’m not being subversive.) Incidentally, I’ve had this same feeling, not on alcohol, but on lack of sleep.

    A vote for it!

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