Dear LDS Editor, [I am LDS Publisher, not Editor. For this blog, I really don’t care if you get my name right or not—unless you’re telling someone about me and then I’d hope you’d get it right so they could find me. But for a query letter, make sure it’s correct. Not calling you to task, just bringing it to your attention.]
Several weeks ago you asked me to resubmit my query for further scrutiny. I tried to send this about 3 weeks ago, but it evidently became lost in cyberspace, so I’m trying again. [If I don’t respond, always, ALWAYS, assume it fell into a black hole in cyberspace.]
Any comments about my query would be greatly appreciated.
THE QUERY:
Dear Agent/Editor, [reminder to use real name of agent or editor you are querying]
I am seeking representation for my 68,500 word young adult novel, “The Bridge Beckons.” [Use italics for your title, not quotations. I realize this may have been a limitation of your e-mail software, but thought I’d mention it anyway.]
Seventeen year old Mark Wilkerson screwed up. He knows it. His dad is disappointed in him; his whole family knows he blew his solo [on what?] in their Christmas musical at the retirement home. So later, when another car clips the family car [another car/family car: too many cars; change one] in the dense fog on the Carquinez Bridge, Mark knows if his dad hadn’t been so upset with him [his dad is that ticked about a messed up solo at a retirement home???] he might have been ableto avoid the tangle with a gasoline truck in the next lane. Mark and his kid sister [does she have a name] are the only survivors of the fiery crash and Mark’s guilt is tearing him apart, and The Bridge Beckons. [too cheesy]
Mark and his sister move in with their grandmother in the town where the Carquinez Bridge dominates the skyline and constantly reminds him of his tragedy. He suffers from nightmares, paralyzing memories and fear resulting from the accident. A girl he meets, Genie Lombardi, [she needs a more significant introduction; something descriptive] promises to help him [do what?] , but her ex-boyfriend, Jeff Marino, wants her back and will do anything to get her, including killing Mark – or even Genie, if he must. Knowing of Mark’s phobia [what phobia? you need to describe it earlier] , Jeff kidnaps Genie to get to Mark, and Mark must overcome his fear of the bridge to rescue the girl he loves. But at the last moment everything goes wrong, and now Mark has two tragedies on the bridge to cope with. [to generic—need a little more idea of what the two tragedies are.] Ultimately, it’s thesecond tragedy that forces him to face his fear of the bridge that beckons.
The Bridge Beckons is a romantic/suspense novel where high schoolfriends and enemies clash in a 1960s tale of teenage deceit andintrigue, some of whom will survive and some will not. Set in the smallNorthern California town where I grew up, the Carquinez bridge, isknown for dense fog, multi-car pile-ups, and even suicides [need punctuation here] all of which inspired many of the elements of this story. I would be happy to send you a synopsis [include it with the query], sample chapters [send chapter 1 with the query], or the completed manuscript of The Bridge Beckons at your request. I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your consideration.
THE CRITIQUE:
This query is very much improved over the first one. Great work! There’s not a lot to change in the rewrite. I’ve made up stuff where I think more detail is needed.
Paragraph four is very good, although I’m not sure a 1960s novel is going to sell well. You might consider updating it to today.
Also, I can pretty much guarantee that the title won’t fly. Your target audience is 14 to 15 year old boys and girls. The girls might buy it, but the boys won’t. At this point, it’s not a big deal. Publishers change titles all the time. Just giving you a heads-up.
THE REWRITE:
Dear Ms. LDS Publisher,
I am seeking representation for my 68,500 word young adult novel, The Bridge Beckons.
Seventeen year old Mark Wilkerson screwed up. He knows it. His dad is disappointed in him; his whole family knows he blew his piano solo in their Christmas musical at the retirement home. Normally, that would not be a big deal, but his dad’s boss was in the audience and used the botched solo as an excuse to humiliate Mark’s entire family in public.
So later, when a drunk driver clips the family car in the dense fog on the Carquinez Bridge, Mark knows that if his dad hadn’t been so upset with him, he might have been able to avoid the tangle with a gasoline truck in the next lane. Mark and his kid sister, Trixie, are the only survivors of the fiery crash and Mark’s guilt is tearing him apart.
Mark and Trixie move in with their grandmother in Silver City, where the Carquinez Bridge dominates the skyline and constantly reminds Mark of his tragedy. Nightmares and paralyzing memories of the accident turn Mark’s fear into a full-blown phobia, making it impossible for him to cross the bridge.
Mark resigns himself to misery thinking he will never be normal again, until he meets kind and gentle Genie Lombardi, who promises to help him overcome his phobia. However, Genie’s ex-boyfriend, Jeff Marino, has other plans. He wants her back and will do anything to get her, including killing Mark – or even Genie, if he must.
Aware of Mark’s phobia, Jeff kidnaps Genie and Mark must overcome his fear of the bridge to rescue the girl he loves. But at the last moment everything goes wrong, and now Mark has two tragedies on the bridge to cope with. Ultimately, it’s the second tragedy that forces him to face his fear of the bridge that beckons.
The Bridge Beckons is a romantic/suspense novel where high school friends and enemies clash in a modern tale of teenage deceit and intrigue, some of whom will survive and some will not. Set in the small Northern California town where I grew up, the Carquinez bridge is known for dense fog, multi-car pile-ups, and suicides–all of which inspired many of the elements of this story.
I have included a synopsis and chapter 1. I would be happy to send you the completed manuscript of The Bridge Beckons at your request. I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your consideration.